peace

For as long as I can remember, I’ve taken charge of my life, always trying to control how things played out. Let’s just say that it never got me particularly good results, actually the results have been terrible at times. You ever start doing some activity or get into some thought and everything seems to just flow? For me, that’s when I would try to take control by planning and thinking things out which inevitably led to whatever it was fizzling out. I would get frustrated under the weight of trying to think of every little detail and thus, growing frustrated with myself for not having that ability.

I am at my best when I just let go and be guided by that “invisible hand” that is guiding me, but before, I just couldn’t do it. Recently, I’ve worked on balance and what I’ve realized is that there is a bit of planning that needs to be done, but not every damn thing. In the past I’ve tried to designate certain days or times for certain activities. Let’s say I’d plan to read at this time, then at the other time I’ll write, but that hasn’t worked. If I’m not in the mind to read, then I don’t force it. There will be a time in the very near future that I’ll be compelled to read. It’s just not at that moment and that’s ok. What’s most important to me is to keep moving forward in whatever way is best at that time.

This is all so different, but I feel there is a certain weight taken off my shoulders. It’s like I’m along for the ride in my own life, but I feel more in control than ever. I feel like this is how life is supposed to be. I am to follow the light along the path of life. It’s not about the finish line, screw the finish line! It’s about this journey of life, the journey of self fulfilment.

Still, there will be times where I get stuck and I’m not so sure of the next step. What if I run into a wall and don’t know where to turn? Is that ok? The old me would probably get frustrated and go on a drinking bender, play video games, or just do whatever it took to distract myself from the fact I didn’t have the answers I was looking for. Couple that with the fact I didn’t want to ask anyone for help including God, it only led to a self-imposed isolation.

So, the game plan moving forward is to take myself out of the responsibility of making every single decision and just follow my light. This concept is hard to put into proper words, but deep down, I think there are many people that know what this means. The ongoing opportunity, however, will be learning how to collaborate with this driving force without needing to take the reins—trusting the process and growing through it